Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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