I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
