Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
