a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
