I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
