I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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