We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
