He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
