He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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