it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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