I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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