If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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