yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
