she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
