Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
