I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
