we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize