There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
