you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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