i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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