I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
