You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize