when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
