3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Your topless pictures make me question reality
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
