OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
