also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
