The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
