he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
