I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
