Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We talked him into tasing himself.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
