I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
