maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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