My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
