I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
