Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
