I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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