My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize