He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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