I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize