dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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