Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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