Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
