Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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