Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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