Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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