How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
