dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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