Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
