I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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