Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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