WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
