i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
