do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
