That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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