I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize