I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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