Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
