after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
