I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My liver just broke up with me...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
